


Is Anything Between Us Even Real?

by enthusiasmgirl



Category: Daredevil (TV)
Genre: Communication, F/M, Friendship, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Post-Season/Series 03
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-25 21:52:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17129387
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enthusiasmgirl/pseuds/enthusiasmgirl
Summary: Matt may have put on a smile and laughed at Foggy's jokes, and Foggy may have written the words Nelson & Murdock & Page on a napkin. But that doesn't magically make everything okay again.Matt knows it. And he's pretty sure Foggy and Karen know it too. But if they're all just faking it until it's real, he can't help but wonder what the point of it all is.





	Is Anything Between Us Even Real?

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sleepyMoritz (Catherss)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catherss/gifts).



> So this is my Secret Santa fic for this year, and I really hope that my recipient likes it, even though I've changed course on it about a million times and in the end, I just sort of dumped a pile of my own feels into a fic based on one of their prompts and hoped for the best.
> 
> The prompt I chose to fill was as follows:
> 
>  
> 
> _Matt begins to try after his stint at the convent - he tries to be a better friend, tries to juggle Daredevil and his responsibility to his friends, and he tries to keep up the mask that Everything Is Fine. Everything is not fine. He was suicidal at the start of S3, and that doesn't just go away. He's not going downhill much, but it becomes obvious quickly that he's still just... putting on a show for them. That things actually aren't okay - he's reckless some days and despondent others and irritable when people try to even suggest he isn't alright. But the thing is, Matt KNOWS he isn't alright - he just doesn't really want to admit it because he really has no clue what to do about it._
> 
>  
> 
> _Basically, can we please get some proper resolution and acknowledgement of his mental health issues? Please??_
> 
>  
> 
> I apologize, because they had some + requests that I wasn't able to quite fit into this fic as it evolved, and it ended up with a lot less Karen and a lot more Foggy than maybe they wanted, because I'm me and it's where my brain went, but I hope they like it. 
> 
> Thanks to A (who will be named later) for their assistance as a last-minute beta. :)

Matt hadn’t cried.

Not in the church basement, after waking up confused and in agony.

Not after he’d been driven to the point of kneeling, beaten and exhausted, on cold, concrete begging strangers to murder him and put him out of his misery.

Not when he realized that the mother he always knew had abandoned him had been right in front of him for years, refusing to acknowledge him as her son.

Not even at the funeral of Father Lantom, the man who had given him so much while asking for so little in return.

But now, he heaved great, uncontrollable sobs from where he was curled into a ball next to his front door, not sure what was wrong with him.

“We don’t deserve him,” Karen had told him hours earlier after a night spent somehow finding it in himself to smile and laugh again hunched over a table at Nelson’s Meats.

“I know,” Matt replied. He meant it.

“No, I don’t think you do,” Karen told him, commanding him to listen to her despite the sweetness and lack of judgment in her voice. “Do you know what he told me, recently, while everything was turning to shit around us? He told me that everything you were doing, disappearing and letting us think you were dead, that it was hurting you as much as it was hurting us. That you might choose to push us away, but it would be on you and that turning our backs on you would be on us and he would never do that. He wouldn’t be another person who abandoned you. Because that’s the kind of friend he is. That’s Foggy Nelson.”

“I know,” Matt insisted again, but he faltered slightly at her words.

“I just thought you could use the reminder,” Karen explained, before stepping outside into the night to hail a cab home. “After everything.”

As he followed her out the door and began the walk home, her words lingered and his thoughts turned to his friend, to the things he had said and done to him, distracting him to the point where he relied on his cane more than usual to make it to his front door. And as he hung the cane up and went to tug off his jacket, something fluttered to the floor near him. He patted at the floor, curious, and was surprised to encounter the feeling of delicate cotton under his palm, creased and folded. A napkin. He ran his fingertips over the indentations where pen had been pressed firmly into it, remembering what he had been told it said: Nelson, Murdock & Page. He realized Foggy must have slipped it into his pocket. He allowed his palms to support his weight as he sank to the floor, suddenly heavy with the weight of it all, eyes wet with tears.

Because he realized for the first time that Foggy knew him. Really knew him, enough to see through him. Maybe he always had, regardless of how much Matt had told him. But more importantly, Foggy saw him. All of him. And pulled him closer, loved him anyway.

All Matt could do was ask why.

* * *

Matt got back up. He always did. Every morning, he rolled out of bed, put both feet on the ground and a forced smile on his face, and he got through another day. He owed them that. Both of them.

And honestly, it helped.

When he was able to smile, and laugh, and fistbump Foggy like somehow the last several years had reset themselves, like none of it had ever happened, then he could almost exist as though it hadn't. He could, for a moment, pretend that he wasn't the disappointment he felt like he was, and could believe that everything would work out and that his continued existence in their lives wasn't a mistake.

He was grateful to Foggy and Karen, because they seemed to understand what he needed. He heaved a giant sigh of relief with each passing moment that they didn't call him out on it, demand to know how he was feeling, or ask questions he didn't feel ready to answer about his state of mind, his life in the time between a building falling on him and the second time Wilson Fisk was pulled into a police car.

But eventually, it wore thin. And he started to pick up on signs that maybe they weren't doing it for him. Maybe they had moved on anyway, even with him right there in front of them.

* * *

"Drinks, tonight?" Matt asked as they all stood up from their new, smaller conference table in the back room of Nelson's Meats, trying to be casual. They had just finished work on their first billable case, gotten their first check with Nelson & Murdock & Page printed on the front. Celebrating together felt like a very normal thing to propose, even if all he really wanted to do was tug on the suit and let Matt Murdock go for a few hours.

There was an uncomfortable pause that told Matt he'd somehow made things awkward without realizing. He imagined that Foggy and Karen were shooting some sort of panicked look at one another.

"Ummmm..." Karen said.

"Buddy," Foggy said, and the way that he said it - the pity and sadness he injected into it - made Matt's stomach churn, "we uh... we actually sort of had something planned already. For the occasion, I mean."

"Oh," Matt said, still trying to process what that meant, "right. And what, you just forgot to invite me?" He grinned and laughed slightly to try and lighten the mood.

That pause again.

"Not forgot," Foggy said. "We just figured you'd be, you know... out in the suit. We didn't want you to feel bad."

Matt felt small and petty for thinking 'mission, accomplished' sarcastically at that.

"Well, lucky for you I'm actually feeling like I need a night off from crime-fighting tonight. So what are we doing?" He tried to sound casual and fun, but worried that bitterness had seeped through anyway.

Karen hadn't said anything. She seemed to be letting Foggy do the talking. Matt wondered if that meant that Karen wanted to tell him off, and Foggy was somehow telepathically convincing her not to.

"We have reservations at that new Italian place around the corner. Me and Karen. And Marci and..." He trailed off.

Karen finished the sentence for him. "Jason. My date. Because it's kind of a double-date thing."

Matt scrunched his face up in embarrassment. "Oh," he said again, feeling stupid. "Of course. When..." he wondered if it was his place to ask her about it, but continued anyway, "when did that happen?"

"Recently. Sort of," Karen said, rushed and also clearly embarrassed. Foggy sighed, frustrated. "Ellison set us up, back before... It's his nephew. We've only had one date so far. I didn't want to say anything, because..."

"No," Matt said, "It's fine. I get it. You go. Enjoy yourselves. Celebrate. Taking a night off was a bad idea anyway. I'd regret it if tomorrow there was a mugging or murder on the news and I knew I would have been there, so..."

"Are you sure?" Foggy asked, worried.

"Yeah, it's fine. I don't want to be a fifth wheel," he tried to joke. "I'll see you tomorrow."

* * *

He wasn't fine. And it wasn't just because Karen was seeing someone, which gave him very confusing feelings given everything that had happened between them.

He just didn't like that they didn't feel like they could tell him things. After all, they were supposed to be friends. But were they?

What if that was as fake as he was? What if none of it was real?

* * *

After that incident, Matt started to pay closer attention, and he realized that there were a lot of things that Foggy and Karen weren't sharing with him.

Karen didn't bother him as much. She had always been cagey and secretive about her personal life, even when they had been dating. But Foggy? Foggy had always been an over-sharer. A side effect of his natural desire to talk, to joke, to ramble.

Slowly, Matt realized that Foggy may have been talking to him again. But not really. He talked about clients and business. About old times. About baseball, and the weather, and local politics. But not about things that meant anything. Matt had been assuming Foggy was just Foggy, and that if there were things in his life he wanted to talk about, he would. But now he wondered if he was wrong.

Foggy was different now, not the same person he had been in the days of Nelson & Murdock. Not even the same person he'd been when he was slipping Matt cases to help him out while working at HC&B. He was more confident than he had been, had a new wardrobe and new more expensive taste. He ate better, and seemed to be sleeping better. But those were superficial things, really. Surface level changes. Matt knew that there had to be more to it than that.

One afternoon, Marci stopped by their makeshift office to pick Foggy up for lunch. He and Marci had never liked each other anyway, so it didn't surprise Matt when she seemed to barely acknowledge him. It was an overheard conversation between her and Foggy that ended up being unexpected.

"Listen, I know that we talked about something a little more low-key, but I just so happened to be reading Today's Bride and they featured a wedding at the River Cafe, and Foggy Bear? The view was incredible," Marci said, excitedly. "And when I called them? They said they just had a cancellation that day and could slot us in for June 2020 if we wanted. Which is just such perfect timing. I can call them back if you want, though, because I know it's a bit pre-emptive. I just thought..."

Foggy just laughed, and Matt could tell he was smiling. "June's fine," he told her. "And you're right. The River Cafe is gorgeous. And most importantly, it will fit everyone. You know my mom is going to make us invite my entire family down to the third or fourth cousin right? I'm still worried that this thing will bankrupt us, but I also want to do it right. I'm glad you made the call."

When they got back from lunch, Foggy didn't seem to realize that Matt had heard anything he wasn't supposed to. But Matt was tense, and couldn't let it go. "Why didn't you tell me that you and Marci are getting married?" he asked.

"Oh," Foggy said. "Right, I guess you heard that, huh? We haven't exactly told anyone yet. It's not really official or anything."

"Official enough that you've set a date," Matt said. "That's huge."

"Well, yeah," Foggy said. "I guess so. But I haven't even technically asked her yet. Properly, anyway."

"What?" Matt asked. "She thinks you're getting married though. What does properly mean? You're not leading her on, are you? I know you never want to get married. And it is Marci."

"Wait, whoa. Hold up there," Foggy said, quickly getting angry. "What do you mean by 'it is Marci'? And what makes you think I don't want to get married?"

"You told me," Matt said, "You always said you never wanted to get married. And I mean it's _Marci_! You two have always been on again and off again, but it's never been that serious before."

"Yeah, well that was before. And this is now," Foggy insisted. "I'm going to buy her a ring, and I'm going to get down on one knee, in public and where it will embarrass and delight her, and I'm going to ask her properly. And we're going to get married in June, Matt. Because she's my best friend and I love her. I'm sorry you missed that and didn't know. But I'm telling you now. Deal with it."

And that was that. Matt didn't really feel like he had a right to ask any more questions about it. Deal with it, Foggy said. Deal with not being my best friend anymore. Deal with not getting to know anything about me.

Matt realized that he would have to. After all, hadn't he left Foggy out in the cold the same way for most of their friendship? Shouldn't he just be happy he got to have Foggy in his life at all?

He reminded himself of what Karen had told him, that he didn't deserve him. Even this distant version of him.

* * *

He kept pretending. It wore him out, made him feel empty inside, but he didn't want to stop. He kept hoping that if he faked it long enough, he would feel like Matt Murdock was a real person again, with a real life and real friends and a real career.

But now he also knew that Foggy and Karen were pretending too. He wasn't the only one faking it.

He wondered what he would do when they decided it wasn't worth it anymore. That they didn't really want the fake version of him anymore than he really wanted the fake versions of them.

He stayed out longer, at night, and took refuge again in the comfort of being Daredevil, like he used to. Like he'd done the last time everything had spun out of control. He could feel it beckoning to him again. That need to blow it all up and abandon it before it abandoned him, before it all fell apart again.

He knew the pattern now. Knew what was happening. But he also didn't know how to break it, what to do.

* * *

"So tomorrow for the Ashby case..." Matt said, but stopped when he realized that Foggy had made a noise of surprise. "What is it?"

"I just forgot to tell you that I won't be here tomorrow. I have something else I need to take care of." Foggy said.

"Something else?" Matt asked, curious.

"Don't worry about it," Foggy replied, tense and refusing to answer.

Matt sighed, and hoped his face didn't look as frustrated as he felt. "Okay," he said, exhausted, "I won't."

They didn't talk much for the rest of the day.

The next day, Matt decided he'd had enough. He wanted to know what Foggy didn't want to tell him. He was tired of feeling like he didn't have a right to know what was going on with the stranger sitting across from him who was supposed to be his friend. So he followed him. Slipped out onto the street after him and tracked him from the rooftops, following the scent of his shampoo and the ticking of his recently acquired fancy watch.

And he ended up feeling worse, as he crouched behind a water tower and listened to Foggy arguing with a surly DMV official who he had obviously spoken to before.

"You're killing me with this, Steve," Foggy said. "You told me that I couldn't replace the license without the long-form birth certificate and passport that I didn't have, and the proof of address, so I went out and got them. Then you suddenly needed four other things that I also didn't have, because as I told you in the first place I lost my wallet. In front of you are three signatures from guarantors, including my family doctor who I had to hunt down where they retired in Arizona to get mailed to me, several fellow lawyers, and the New York District Attorney who, let me tell you, is not my biggest fan these days. What else can I do here? I need my license. Help me out, here."

He didn't stick around to hear the rest, and sulked back to the office. Karen sighed like she knew where he'd been and what he'd been doing, but she didn't say anything.

Nobody said anything to him anymore.

He left early, and stayed out all night until his knuckles were bloody and body was covered in bruises.

The next day, Foggy sat across from him without saying anything. They took clients, who Foggy was friendly to. They answered Karen's questions about their current case and helped prepare the necessary documents and court filings with her. But Matt didn't smile, and Foggy didn't make any small talk to fill the silence or crack any jokes.

Finally, Matt couldn't take it anymore. Karen had left for the night, and the tension between the two of them had finally hit a point where he was fed up.

"It was me," he said, straightening his back and steeling himself for a fight.

"What?" Foggy asked.

"Your wallet," he confessed, "You didn't lose it. I stole it, that night in the bar..." His voice shook. "...when you hugged me, after..."

Foggy only sighed deeply, and rubbed a hand over his face wearily. "I know."

"You do?" Matt asked him, confused.

"I got a call," Foggy told him. "From the New York Department of Corrections. Inquiring about my well-being after having been involved in a prison riot? They wanted to offer me access to counselling for post-traumatic stress if I needed it, and apologize. Be sure I wasn't going to sue them."

Matt didn't know what to say. Foggy's lack of anger was unexpected, and scared him. "I can explain," he said.

"I'd rather you didn't," Foggy said.

Matt should have been grateful to Foggy for being so accepting of things. But he had been so grateful so often lately, and he had reached a breaking point. "Yeah, well thanks for not giving a shit," he spit at him instead.

"Excuse me?" Foggy asked, indignant.

"You heard me," Matt said. "Why are you here, Foggy? Why are you doing this?"

"What?" Foggy asked.

"This! Us! Nelson, Murdock & Page!" Matt yelled at him. "What the hell made you think that this was going to be a good idea, after all the shit I've put you through over the last few years? Why forgive me, when I haven't really done anything to warrant it except show up alive again?"

Foggy didn't answer that, didn't rise to Matt's bait and yell back. He only leaned back in his chair and took a deep breath. Anyone else would assume that this meant that Foggy was trying to remain calm, was going to be reasonable. Matt knew Foggy well enough to know that Foggy was using the time to think and plan an argument, to really let him have it.

"You wanted me to accept you," Foggy finally said. "All of you. The parts of you I knew and loved since college. And the parts of you that you hid from me. The parts of you that are Daredevil. You gave me an ultimatum, Matt. Accept that or don't have you in my life."

"I know," Matt said, starting to cry. "And you tried to. You brought me the suit at the precinct that night. You called me your family, and you thought it went both ways. It's why you trusted me to come back. I chose not to. I'm sorry."

"I know you are, Matt. But here's the thing. I've thought long and hard about that moment, since it happened. About why I brought you the suit. What I expected. And you've got it wrong. I think I knew what it meant. I knew it was the end. I knew what your choice would be."

"Then why did you..." Matt tried to understand.

"Because that's what accepting you means, Matt," Foggy told him. "You are never going to put me first. And you're never going to be able to love me the way I love you. It's just not who you are. I don't know if you've ever understood that or not, and I'm not trying to make you feel bad about yourself. But I think I just wanted you to know in that moment, potentially the last time I'd see you, that I understood that."

“That's not fair," Matt told him.

"No, it isn't," Foggy said. "I think maybe it makes us both masochists in our own way, honestly. You know, I gave Karen this big speech about how I wasn't going to be another person who abandoned you. It was all just a self-justification in the end, though. The truth is that I tried walking away from you, Matt. And I hated myself. So I let you go, really go, thinking that if you were dead it would be easier. I hated myself more. I know now that I need you in my life. When you're gone, I still exist. But I don't know how to live, not really. You're too much a part of me now. And accepting you... well, here we are. You stole my wallet. You used it to potentially do something illegal at that prison, and it got you nearly killed, I'm sure. I don't care. You're alive and that's all that matters. I'm just glad you're here."

"Are you?" Matt asked. "You've been acting like you hate me."

"Because I do, dummy," Foggy said. "Like I said. Masochists. Do you think it's easy for me to sit here and admit to myself how dependent I am? How much I'm willing to put up with? It doesn't exactly make me feel very good about myself. But it won't last. It'll just take time. I think acting like I'd forgiven you was just helping me imagine a world where I had."

Matt laughed darkly. "Acting like you'd forgiven me was helping me imagine it too."

Foggy laughed with him, only it seemed sincere. Like a weight had lifted. "How are you, really?" Foggy asked him, finally, at long last.

"Terrible," Matt told him. "You?"

"Better than I've been in a long time, actually," Foggy said. "Not to rub it in or anything. But I'm getting married. Started a new business. My friend is back from the dead, and my parents are on the other side of the country. So I can't actually complain."

"You can though," Matt said. "And you know I want to hear it, right? That I'm trying?"

"I know," Foggy said.

“And you know that I love you? As best as I can. Even if I'll never deserve you,” Matt asked, wanting him to know.

“I know,” Foggy said again. 

And just like that, Matt finally felt like everything was real. Foggy and Karen needed him to just be there, alive. For the first time since Midland Circle, he felt like it was possible.


End file.
